Anyone who knows me, and I mean really knows me, knows that I hate to be first. I was born a second child, and not by accident, I assure you. Being second is my thing. Two is literally one of my favorite numbers (I know, people don't normally have favorite numbers. But I do. And that number is four. Followed closely by two. You see, two would be my favorite, but it doesn't have a square root. It's almost lopsided. Four is the perfect number. It's got a square root (two, the second favorite number), and it's the square root of 16 (another good number). It's just so whole, and square, and balanced. You know? No. I can see that you don't. You know what, don't even worry about it. Suffice it to say that I love the numbers two and four). I'm an excellent Second, and I do not like being a First.
I think to be a First, you've got to be a leader, because all those other numbers come after one. I think a love of adventure is also required. Think about it - you're venturing out into the great unknown without someone to guide you. You need to be okay with taking chances. You've also got to be really confident in yourself, because if you're a First and you aren't confident, there will be no Second or Third. You've got to make people believe in you. And another thing - you have to be really chill. And by chill, I mean a "go with the flow" type of personality. Let's face it - if you're trying something new and you're the guinea pig, chances are good you won't be perfect. You have to be okay with making mistakes and altering your plans to allow for those mistakes.
And, for all those reasons, I am a Second. You show me what to do, and I'll do it. But I want to know exactly what's going to happen. I need a detailed plan in place, so I can be prepared for every possible situation. I'm not really one to make people believe in me. Like I said, I'm a follower. A Second. Two is a nice, nondescript number. Two flies right under the radar. Just the way I like it. And I do not have a "go with the flow" personality. I'm really quite rigid. I do plans, I do schedules, I do lists, I do graphs, I do flow charts. But a flow chart is about as "flowy" as I get. I don't like making mistakes, and I do not like being wrong. Classic Second, right here.
This is where we find the problem. I feel a little bit like a First right now. Because of this whole mission thing. And I'm well aware that I'm not the very first sister missionary to ever venture off into the world. I know that. But I'm the first from one side of my family, the second from the other (but the first was a boy and I feel like he went forever ago, so he sorta doesn't count - it's different), the first sister mish from my ward, the first in my immediate family, and the first in my friend group. Which is a bummer. I was so sure that Bree would leave before me! She got her call a month and a half before I got mine, after all! But no. I am leaving a month before her. I get to be the guinea pig. I hate being the guinea pig.
And suddenly, this mission thing is becoming very real. It's freaking me out. I got a letter from my mission president yesterday. The envelope said "priority" on it (in Polish, because it came from Poland. Naturally). From some reason, that gave me the heebie jeebies. That letter is physical evidence that it's really happening. The thing is from fetching Poland. It doesn't get any more real than that.
*And Now, A Self Motivating Speech*
I can do it! I can be a First! It's okay, right? I mean, if this is the Lord's plan for me (and I'm pretty dang confident it is), then what do I have to worry about? He knows far more than I do, and if He wants me to go to Poland, and to go in February, and to be a First, then so be it. I'll do it. I don't think there's any way I can be 100% prepared, with a million back-up plans (for Just In Case situations), but I don't need that. All I need is to know that He has a plan, it's a gazillion times better than mine could ever be, and know that that's enough. What I need to do now, is stop worrying.
Because worrying is strictly Second territory.
And for now, I'm an un[OFFICIAL] First.
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