Unofficial Shadow

*WARNING*

This is definitely one of those super lame "woe is me" sort of posts. If you're not into deep emotional scarring, this may not be the one for you. You were warned.

Here's the problem at the root of it all. I care way too much. I have this obsession caring about what other people think about me. I live in mortal fear of being disliked. Which is funny, because lacking personality is a good way to be, well, not disliked. But certainly not liked. A little backwards thinking. This is all stems from the "Fear of Failure" thing I have going on. If I can't succeed at something, I'm not going to do it. One of the many reasons for my hate of sports. And in my head, I equate rejection with failure (which is okay, because they really are pretty much the same thing). So, in my efforts to not be rejected, I don't give people anything to reject. I lose all personality. I become a shadow. A very good shadow too. I'm just wisps of air, almost a figment of the imagination. Lost in the melee of all social gatherings, perfectly content to watch and listen and remain completely aloof.

However, I have recently discovered a simple, yet very important truth: Being a shadow sucks. I'm sick and tired of going unnoticed. Of course, I know I've only got myself to blame. But it still sucks. And that doesn't mean I want to be the center of attention, because that is hitting the complete opposite side of the spectrum. I think maybe I'm ready to be a normal human being, stop caring what everyone thinks, and just be me - whether they like it or not. I'm Anna, and that's it. It's so easy to be me with my family, because they already know that I'm a crazy hooligan, and they've come to expect that. It's crazy how easy it is to be me on my blog, because for one thing, I don't even know if anyone's reading this. And for another, if they are reading it, I don't have to see them, I'm not there with them, I can't gauge their reactions. It's just me being me without having to worry about what other people think. I'm just not sure how to translate that into real not-family, not-blog life. The only thing I know for sure is that it's going to require me to ditch my comfort zone completely. I can't keep even one toe in, because my comfort zone is pretty tiny, and far far away from reality. I think that's probably all I know for sure because that scares the crap out of me, and I don't want to give it any more thought than that.

So here's the resolution: I, Anna Lin Young (full name here - this is serious business), am no longer going to be a shadow. I vow (yes, vow. I told you it was serious) to be me. To share all my crazy antics and delightful sense of humor (of course it's delightful!) with all the world.

So you'd better get ready, world.

I'm un[OFFICIALLY] NOT a shadow.

PS - If this thing doesn't go down so hot, and I return to my normal shadowy ways, we're going to pretend this blog post never happend. Right? Good.